On feminism and male-bashing

Let's start with the premise that feminism is the radical notion that women are people. Let's posit the existence of the patriarchy, not as some shadowy conspiracy of Rich White Males, but as a social disease, a cultural construction pernicious and pervasive, that can be enforced willfully or upheld unknowingly. In this context, any social structure, belief, myth, meme, that promotes division and dissension between the sexes (such as the unfortunate phrase "opposite sex") is a part of the patriarchy, is sexist, therefore unfeminist, and is contributing to keeping women down.

And here's where it gets tricky, because I mean anything. I mean all those commercials with the bumbling, clueless dad and the perfect, put-together mom. I mean those children's books with the playful, independence-promoting fathers and the gentle, nurturing mothers. I mean the t shirts that proclaim that girls rule and boys drool. I mean the assumption not just that women are helpless in the boardroom, but also that men are helpless in the kitchen. I could go on for many dissertations' worth, but I think you get my point.

Now before you accuse me of defending the poor put-upon male, of bemoaning reverse sexism and encouraging men to join the Promise Keepers, let me explain. These things, these stereotypes and sex-biased portrayals, are sexist and morally wrong not because they put men in a bad light (though they mostly do), but because they're bad for women.

Let me say that again. Male-bashing hurts women.

When men are portrayed as hopeless in the domestic sphere (indeed they are not only allowed but encouraged to be by our culture), it keeps women there, because someone has to do it. When men are portrayed as capable only of camaraderie and not comfort, to women falls the bulk of child rearing (and we are denied the blessings of physical playfulness). When boys are told they are hyperactive, bad at social skills, disorganized, and untrustworthy, who do you think is being told they must sit still, be the conciliator, peacemaker, and relationship healer, keep track of all assignments, and never, ever fail?

Ten points if you said girls -- and the women they become.

Don't misunderstand that I think all men would be perfect if WE would only change, thereby blaming the victim. It's not that simple, and here's the heresy to back it up; in the 1800s and 1950s, most women really weren't suited for business or industry or public office. But it wasn't because of an inherent defect in the gender: rather, it was because they lived in and were shaped by a society that proclaimed them unworthy, and denied them the education and opportunities required to be skilled at those ventures. We have worked, and to some extent succeeded, in dismantling those beliefs about women's roles, but it has taken generations of effort and millions of women-hours. How can we write off men as fundamentally incompetent and incapable based on today's examples when we are still raising our children in a sexist society, where one day old babies are dressed in either puppy dogs or princess dresses, depending on their external genitalia? We need to keep working, because we aren't done yet. Our sons (my sweet son!) are at stake here, yes, but so are our daughters. One cannot be free unless all are free; we cannot proclaim victory over sexism while we are still being tied down by digs against men, separated and constrained by walls of our own construction.

Dismantle the patriarchy wherever you encounter it, please. Call men on their privilege and sexism -- I'll help. But don't betray your daughters and sons by fostering the fallacies, no matter how funny you think those jokes are. Revenge is not worth perpetuating inequality for yet another generation.